A local woman who began a new diet yesterday morning has already emerged as one of the region’s leading nutrition authorities, according to friends, family, coworkers, and at least three people who did not ask.
The woman, who downloaded a calorie tracking app at approximately 8:14 a.m., reportedly gained a deep and personal understanding of human metabolism by lunch.
“She knows things now,” said a coworker who made the mistake of eating a sandwich nearby. “She looked at my bread like I had just committed a felony.”
Witnesses say the transformation began almost instantly. Within hours of skipping breakfast, the woman was overheard using phrases like “empty calories,” “inflammation,” and “your body actually doesn’t need that,” despite previously surviving on iced coffee and whatever was closest to her car.
Google Searches Lead to Immediate Certification
Sources confirm the woman conducted extensive research by searching “is sugar bad” and scrolling halfway through the first result.
This appears to have been enough.
By mid afternoon, she was confidently explaining to others that carbs are bad unless they are good, fats are bad unless they are good, and calories matter but also don’t matter depending on how your body feels about them emotionally.
“She said my apple was basically candy,” said a stunned bystander. “An apple.”
Grocery Store Trip Confirms Total Mastery
Later that evening, the woman visited a grocery store where she spent 47 minutes reading labels and shaking her head.
Observers say she repeatedly whispered things like “wow” and “that’s insane” while holding items she personally bought last week.
At one point, she loudly announced that the cereal aisle is “basically poison” before placing granola into her cart because it “felt different.”
Family Meals Become Lectures
Dinner with family has reportedly become unbearable.
She now explains why everyone else’s food choices are wrong while eating something described as “clean” despite being the same calories arranged differently.
When asked how long she has been following this lifestyle, she confirmed it has been “almost two full days.”
Experts Weigh In
Actual nutritionists have declined to comment, stating that it is better to let this phase run its course naturally.
“They usually calm down after three weeks or after the first slice of pizza,” said one professional. “Whichever comes first.”
Plans to Write a Book Already Underway
Sources close to the woman say she is considering starting a blog, a podcast, and possibly an Instagram account where she will post motivational quotes over pictures of salads.
She has also told multiple people that this time is different and that she has finally cracked the code.
At press time, the woman was reportedly standing in her kitchen, staring into the refrigerator, whispering that she “is not even hungry anymore,” while thinking about food with alarming intensity.
Friends say they are supportive and excited to meet the next version of her in about a month when she announces she is no longer restricting herself and believes in balance again.
Until then, they are hiding their snacks.